Not many people know when their partner is stalking them. They often mistake it for excess love with statements like “my boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t joke with me”, “s/he loves me that he doesn’t want me to leave his sight,” “s/he can’t stand me speaking to the opposite sex for security reasons.”
Unknowingly to them, love and stalking are two different topics which are often misunderstood. This has ruined many individuals’ mental health and has even affected their perception about love. Some relationships are toxic but partners are blinded by the sweet words and the attention to understand that love isn’t stalking.
However, stalking can be in many ways. Aside from being stalked with a stranger, friend or your colleague, you can be stalked by your boyfriend or girlfriend or even your husband/wife, which could cause emotional damage.
What then is Stalking?
Stalking is a pattern of behavior or acts that a person engages in over time in order to maintain contact with or exert power and control over another person. These activities repeatedly give another person distress, loss of control, fear, or harassment.
The act of stalking is illegal. The Crimes (Domestic and Personal Violence) Act of 2007 makes it illegal. The following are examples of stalking as defined by this law: ‘following, watching, or frequenting the neighborhood of, or an approach to, a person’s place of home, business, or employment, or any other place that a person frequents for the sake of any social or leisure activity.’
Threats or sexual innuendo can be used in stalking, and the stalker usually tries to intimidate or scare the person they are following. The victim of stalking may not realize they are being followed until they see a pattern of weird or suspicious events.
Summarily, when a perpetrator singles out a specific person and causes emotional suffering as well as concern for his or her life, safety, or the safety of others, this is known as stalking. A stalker could be a previous lover or girlfriend, a friend, or an unknown person. There must be two or more instances of visual or bodily proximity; non-consensual communication, either written or verbal; threats; or a combination of any of these occasions for stalking to be considered a crime.
The reoccurring acts or event could be through phone calls, text messages, messages left on social media sites such as Facebook and Twitter etc, notes left on the their car, strange or unwanted gifts left at their home, an awareness that they are being followed, being continually stared at or gestured to by another person.
Types of Stalking
Surveillance Stalking: This type of stalking occurs when an individual is followed and watched. Surveillance stalking involves the perpetrator sitting outside the victim’s house, workplace, school, or other frequented locations. There is also cyber-stalking in addition to surveillance stalking.
Cyber Stalking: Unsolicited communication from the criminal to the victim is also known as cyber-stalking. Cyber-stalking differs from surveillance stalking in that surveillance stalking is carried out physically, but cyber-stalking is carried out using technology and electronic means. Because the stalker did not make physical contact with the victim, the stalking is not classified as aggravated stalking.
Aggravated Stalking: When the perpetrator restrains the victim, causes bodily harm to the victim, or violates an order of protection, it is considered aggravated stalking. It is worthy of note that there are different types of stalkers. However, any of these stalkers are manipulative and are a threat to the victim’s life.
Types of stalkers are explained below:
Rejected Stalker: When a friendship or love relationship ends, this sort of stalker becomes angry. Not only is the rejected stalker self-centered and jealous, but he or she is also overly reliant and relentless.
Resentful Stalker: The bitter stalker is humiliated by the loss of the relationship and seeks vengeance on the victim. Resentful stalkers are known for verbally assaulting their victims and are typically overly worried.
Predatory Stalker: The stalker’s goal is to gain control and sexual fulfillment. They will not make physical contact with the victim, instead relying on surveillance to track her down.
Intimacy-Seeking Stalker: The stalker who is looking for intimacy wants to have a romantic relationship with the victim. When a stalker is rejected by the victim, he or she will call the victim frequently, write letters to the victim, and can get jealous and violent if the victim starts dating someone else.
Inept Suitor: In most cases, the inept suitor stalker lacks social skills. They desire a relationship with the victim but lack the ability to see that the victim is not the right person for them.
Intimate Stalker: This type of stalker could be the victim’s closest friend or partner. This stalker could be acting protective of the victim but they often exhibit forms of jealousy and they are often in control of how the victim feels, because of the level of companionship they share. Often, the victim does not know how manipulative they have unless he or she pays close attention or when there is a threat or an abuse.
While writing this piece, research showed that people stalk for many reasons, not because they enjoy doing it, but because it is the state of mental health (emotions). As explained earlier in the opening paragraph, some people stalk their lovers or friends to protect them by constantly using the explained channels of stalking- which on the part of the perpetrator, it is referred to as insecurity. While on the other hand, people stalk to achieve their goal of ensuring that the victim gives them attention.
The following are some reasons why people stalk:
Rejection: If a person has been romantically rejected, they may find it difficult to go on, to the point where they stalk a victim in an attempt to win them back. They may also be seeking vengeance on the person who rejected them, stalking them in the hopes of scaring or harming them as a kind of retaliation.
Fantasy: When someone chases someone they’ve never met, it’s possible that they’re trying to get that person to notice and validate them in the hopes that the stalking victim will develop an interest in them. This type of stalking could be linked to delusions or delusional thinking.
Incompetence: If they have trouble understanding social cues and societal norms, a stalker may be astonished to learn that their behavior is stalking. They may be astonished to learn they are harming the victim if this is the reason for stalking.
At some point in their lives, about 8% of women and 2% of men are stalked, with men being the most common stalkers.
Stalking is a sort of exploitation. As a result, a victim may acquire PTSD as a result of the stalking (s). They may have flashbacks, have trouble getting close to new people or being intimate, and become melancholy or despondent as a result.
A stalking victim may not feel comfortable or capable of doing everything they did before they were stalked due to their fear or PTSD. This could lead to problems in one’s life, such as job loss or the end of a romantic relationship.
However, while many partners have failed to react to their obsessions because they are blinded by love, some even end up marrying them because they think they feel safe with them which result in abuse in the future. For instance, if you’ve specifically asked someone not to drive by your house, school, or workplace, it’s never acceptable.
Also, a stalker may try to persuade you that they are simply “checking in” to ensure your safety, but it is actually part of their obsession. This could be cause for concern if your partner continues to check on you or if you notice they’re driving past your house after you’ve asked them to stop. What appears to be genuine admiration may subsequently appear to be overwhelming and threatening.
It is therefore imperative that there are many signs that your partner is stalking you, such as: getting hang-up calls and messages from unknown numbers, always driving by, they have information about you before telling them, they buy gifts to make up, they threaten you using romantic behaviours, they attack when you don’t please them, etc.
While the above signs are prevalent in obsessive relationships, the following are some things you should do when you sight them:
- Don’t engage
- Tell loved ones
- Report to the police
- File a restraining order
- Inform your lawyer
- Contact an organization like FASI
If you suspect you’re dating a stalker, you can’t afford to be ignorant and ignore these signals of obsessive love.
There are people that have stalker tendencies, and you must recognize them so that you can flee before things get out of hand. Up until now, your affection for them may have blinded you to their toxic conduct, but today you might learn how to notice these things.