I met my abusive ex when I was a young, naive, emotionally immature 19 years old. My mother was abused too by my dad.
I suppose I am one of the statistics that say abused children grow up to marry abusive partners or become abusive.
Anyways, my abusive ex, Segun
and I started dating and it became a whirlwind relationship moving way too fast but before I knew it, I found myself pregnant. Being raised the way I was, if you got pregnant, you better hurry up and get married.
During my pregnancy, our arguments started out with him yelling at me and threatening to leave me. Then it progressed to him gradually isolating me from my friends and family. I was only allowed to go with him where he wanted to go and if I even looked up from the ground, he would accuse me of sleeping with what ever man was in the vicinity.
The fights escalated to him throwing things at me. Then he started choking and beating me. He would leave marks on my neck and body that I soon became an expert at hiding with makeup and turtlenecks.
At this point, I had no job, no money.
I went on to have our first child, a beautiful baby girl. Unfortunately, she was born with some major health issues and she passed away just after her one year birthday.
During the time we were mourning, he got a job that caused him to work out of town most of the time which was a relief for me. But when he was home, it was like a war zone. Screaming, throwing things at me, and the choking. His favorite past time. He wasn’t a typical abuser. He didn’t care who was around. He would do all this in front of anyone. He never apologized. Instead he would just call me a stupid, crazy fat ugly fool.
Whenever i complained about the way he treats me,he would say none of what I’m complaining about happened and I was just making things up because I’m crazy.
After our daughter passed away, things got progressively worse. I felt alienated and completely alone. I gave up. My daughter was gone so i felt like there was no point in living.
Then (at his insistence) I got pregnant with our second child. The abuse got worse.
The abuse continued. One day while I was 35 weeks pregnant, he got angry at me and i threatened to leave. I was outside our apartment one day doing laundry when he pulled me by my hair and threw me to the ground and started kicking me because his food wasnt ready.I started crying and screaming out for help because of my baby. He finally took me to the doctor later that evening because of the excruciating pains i was going through.
I ended up having to have an emergency c section due to premature labor. I eventually was able to bring our son home but the abuse didnt stop. Even if i was holding the baby. I would hurriedly put my baby down somewhere safe whenever i notice he was upset,so he doesnt hurt the baby.
He came home one day very angry because his business deal wasnt successful and the best person to pour all that frustrations on was Me, he started yelling,calling me names and choking me to the point I passed out In front of our son. Thats when I realized he was very capable of killing me.
Some months later, i pleaded with him to allow me get a job which he eventually agreed to. I knew he was sleeping around but i didnt allow that disturb me because the more he stays out with them,the better for me,atleast, there will be some sanity at home before he gets back.
A year and eight months later, i discovered i was pregnant with our third child. I worked the whole pregnancy up until i was put on bed rest (which when your married to an abusive partner is a joke). The entire time, the abuse continued. I remember praying so hard (and yes this is probably horrible to say but it was the truth) that something would happen to him to remove him from me and my children’s lives. But nothing happened and the abuse got worse.
I had my daughter and went back to work,some months later. I remember a woman i was working with figured out what was going on with me and she asked me in a complete non judgemental way, why did i stay. And i told her. I have no where to go because I’m an orphan and my younger ones all depend on me,Instead of being negative to me, she gently encouraged me and helped me discover that i could get out with proper planning. The first thing i did was get the police department’s number in my phone. Then i started looking into cheap houses i can rent. But i never got to that point because less than a week later God (yes i completely believe it was God) opened a door for me.
In the past, whenever i would try to leave, he would destroy my phone and disable my vehicle. Sometimes he would even hold the kids from me knowing i would never leave them behind. This particular day was completely different. I wasn’t feeling well when i got home from work and picking the kids up and asked him if i could prepare his dinner, He said yes so i did. I remembered him getting angry with our young son over something and to distract him from our son, i interrupted him asking if he wanted me to fry some side chips to go with the chicken vegetable sauce. He absolutely lost it. He threw the chicken across the room and started screaming at me. I very calmly told him that if he didn’t calm down, i was going to take the kids and go to his parents until he did calm down. He told me if I was going to leave, I’d better call the police or army because i was going to need them to leave him.
He used to tell me all the time he would kill me if i ever tried to leave because he wasnt going to allow me leave him or take the kids away from him. So i picked up my cell phone and somehow calmly called the police and some touts in my neighbourhood to let them know that i was trying to leave and my husband wouldn’t let me.
I had NEVER gotten this far in trying to leave him but what came next is what really shocked me. He said, “Did you really just call the police?” I said, “Yes.” He said, “Then you better get out of here,shamless woman.” I quickly grab the kids and few of their cloths and left. I knew I probably would never get a chance like this again. I got in my car and drove away. I remember driving toward his parents house thinking how I wanted to leave and not go back and i knew going to his parents was not the answer but that was the closest place to me at that time of the night . I decided it will be better i stay where Segun wont be able to locate me that night,So i pulled into a nearby hotel and passed the night there with my kids.
I went to the police station the next day.
They asked me if i truly wanted to leave and i told them yes,they took my statement and then, examined me for marks and asked me to describe the abuse. Then one of the officers on duty told me about FIDA and this group (FAMILY SUPPORT INITIATIVE.) These groups changed my life. It was not easy. I literally left with the clothes on my back. I know I’m better of on my own and i will eventually be able to reclaim my life and peace of mind back over time.. I refuse to let him have ANY power over me whatsoever. He doesn’t get to win.
I am the winner.
I am a survivor.
I refuse to look back. And if i can do it, anyone can.